By the gods, I scarcely believe what my eyes have beheld. I, Gaius Dramaticus, humble historian of the Republic (and part-time olive salesman), have viewed the sacred relic known as Gladiator II—encased in a circular mirror disc, surely forged by Vulcan himself and played upon a magic oracle known as a “Sony.”
This tale, while not found in the dusty scrolls of Tacitus or Pliny, hath captured my imagination like a lion traps a sleepy senator. It begins years after the noble Maximus became one with Elysium, yet somehow, battle returns to the arena with even more sand, sweat, and slow-motion spear twirling.
New champions arise! One is a mysterious warrior called “Cassius the Brooding,” who fights in leather armor so tight it could only have been stitched by the Fates. Another, “Lucilla the Furious,” rides a war elephant through the Forum for reasons unclear, yet deeply inspiring.
The battles are mighty, the drama thick, and the soundtrack… oh, the soundtrack! ‘Tis like Apollo himself dropped the lute and picked up an electric lyre.
Bonus scrolls (or “DVD extras” as the local scribes say) include:
• Commentary from the director, who appears to be drinking goblets of modern-day Red Bull.
• An animated feature called Baby Maximus and Friends, which is both confusing and delightful.
• Deleted scenes including a philosophical soliloquy delivered by a horse.
Truly, I wept. Not since the fall of Carthage have I felt such emotion. I now wear my toga backwards in mourning, for no modern tale shall surpass this spectacle.
VERDICT:
A triumph. A masterpiece. A wackadoonus maximus.
10 amphorae out of 10.