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  • Everybody Fights: So Why Not Get Better at It?
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Everybody Fights: So Why Not Get Better at It? Kindle Edition

4.8 out of 5 stars 1,930 ratings
4.3 on Goodreads
5,935 ratings

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A USA Today and Wall Street Journal bestseller!

Learn how to fight better and end your arguments with your partner feeling closer, more loved, and better understood.

We take our cars in for oil changes. We mow our lawns and pull weeds. Why don't we do maintenance on our marriages? This relationship is the most important one we will ever have, so why not get better at it?

For the last several years, Penn and Kim Holderness of The Holderness Family have done the hard maintenance and the research to learn how to fight better. With the help of their marriage coach Dr. Christopher Edmonston, they break down their biggest (and in some cases, funniest) fights. How did a question about chicken wings turn into a bra fight (no, not a bar fight or a bra fight)? How did a roll of toilet paper lead to tears, resentment, and a stint in the guest bedroom?

With their trademark sense of humor and complete vulnerability, Penn and Kim share their 10 most common Fight Fails and how to combat them. Throughout the book, they offer scripts for how to start, continue, and successfully close hard conversations. Couples will emerge equipped to engage and understand, not do battle—and maybe laugh a little more along the way.

In Everybody Fights, couples will learn how to:

  • Use "magic words" for healthy conflict resolution
  • Address unspoken and unrealistic expectations
  • Banish the three Ds of unhealthy communication—distraction, denial, and delay
  • Carry individual baggage while helping your partner deal with theirs

Penn and Kim want you to know you're not alone. Everybody fights. Marriage is messy. Marriage is work. But marriage is worth it. Fight for it!


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From the Publisher

everybody fights
everybody fights

After Reading Everybody Fights, You'll Know How To:

kim and penn holderness

Make Fights Productive

Productive conflict hones, shapes, and refines your relationship. Discover how to be intentional about talking about your fights, to improve them moving forward.

kim and penn holderness

Amend Your Secret Contracts

Secret contracts are the silent deals you make with your partner by default and through routine. Figure them out + see what needs re-distributing and evaluating.

kim and penn holderness

Harness the Power of Metacommunication

Learn how to examine how you talk to each other, so you can come up with techniques that improve your communication.

kim and penn holderness

Use Magic Words to Change a Fight's Course

Come up with choice phrases and key words that, while they don’t solve everything instantaneously, help end your misery because they illuminate a way forward.

everybody fights book

Product description

Review

'In this reassuring debut, married couple Kim and Penn Holderness, hosts of The Holderness Family Podcast, share examples from their 'fight fails' and strategies for fighting less frequently and having a happier marriage. The Holdernesses emphasize that, while they are not trained to address serious issues like infidelity, addiction, or mental illness, they can offer tools for couples who struggle with feeling misunderstood or lack communication skills, but who are willing to learn. . . These engaging tools and conversation-based exercises for couples will provide a great starting point for strengthening communication.' -- Publishers Weekly

About the Author

Penn Holderness is an 18 year veteran of the TV business. Since college (UVA) he's been a sports director in Colorado and Orlando



Kim Dean is an actress, known for Iron Man Three (2013), Homeland (2011) and The Holderness Family (2015). She is married to Penn Holderness. They have two children.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B08BYJT1ZS
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Thomas Nelson
  • Accessibility ‏ : ‎ Learn more
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ March 30 2021
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 1.3 MB
  • Simultaneous device usage ‏ : ‎ Up to 5 simultaneous devices, per publisher limits
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 250 pages
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0785235743
  • Page Flip ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • 鶹 Rank: #31,688 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.8 out of 5 stars 1,930 ratings

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Customer reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
1,930 global ratings

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Awesome book, highly recommend.
The content of book is amazing.. love it!! but I rather have a softer cover that let me go through the reading easier, I don’t like the hardcover copy, is difficult to handle.
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Top reviews from Canada

  • Reviewed in Canada on July 23, 2021
    Verified Purchase
    I loved the personal stories and the helpful checklist and the "alternative ways of responding". I will be keeping this book, and will need to make it an annual read for my husband and I.
    One person found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in Canada on April 11, 2021
    Verified Purchase
    I didn't buy this book because I thought I needed to learn how to fight better with my spouse. I bought it because I really enjoy everything Kim and Penn do. Turns out I did learn a few things after all, as well as reinforcing a few things I already knew. This is a serious topic but the book was also seriously fun to read. There were quite a few "OMG, yes! That's us!" moments.
    4 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in Canada on January 5, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    I was already a fan of the Holdernesses from their YouTube channel, so this is a slightly biased perspective. They bring their signature humour and compassion to this open and honest analysis of their relationship and how they navigate fights. I really appreciated how the key fights are shared through each of their perspectives, and found it gave me some insight into the potential mindset of my partner / friends during similar 'tension' points.

    While some of techniques and approaches will be familiar if you've already done some learning / reading around communication strategies, others were new to me and quite insightful.
  • Reviewed in Canada on February 14, 2022
    Verified Purchase
    I wish you could have written this years ago as it truly speaks volumes in how to treat one other. Would highly recommend!
  • Reviewed in Canada on January 11, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    Loved this book! They are fantastic!
  • Reviewed in Canada on April 4, 2021
    Verified Purchase
    The content of book is amazing.. love it!! but I rather have a softer cover that let me go through the reading easier, I don’t like the hardcover copy, is difficult to handle.
    Customer image
    5.0 out of 5 stars
    Awesome book, highly recommend.

    Reviewed in Canada on April 4, 2021
    The content of book is amazing.. love it!! but I rather have a softer cover that let me go through the reading easier, I don’t like the hardcover copy, is difficult to handle.
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    2 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in Canada on May 9, 2021
    Verified Purchase
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    One person found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in Canada on December 24, 2021
    Verified Purchase
    I bought this because a) I love the Holderness Family music videos and liked the idea of supporting them, and b) got this as a gift for someone else for Christmas, but I read it first myself. I want to offer this review particularly for those who care about more than just reason A. Overall, it's a nice light read about marriage problems that will mostly appeal to middle-aged, financially privileged, white, heteronormative couples.

    What's good about this book is it's a) well written, b) is unique from most marriage or dialogue etc books in that, rather than being written by a psychologist/counsellor etc based on research and expertise, it is a single couple breaking down all their own fights and talking about what went wrong. This is a really interesting perspective, and I think some married couples will really appreciate having some concrete examples of another couple's actual fights, explained from both sides (the book jumps back and forth between Kim's words and Penn's). However, what it gains in that unique perspective is counterbalanced by the fact that if you really want to learn how to improve your conflict resolution and dialogue skills, this is not the best book for that. My recommendation for dialogue skills is "Crucial Conversations" by Patterson et al, which was a life changer for me; "Everybody Fights" only echoes some of those ideas in a cursory way. Most of the actual insight in this book comes from their marriage counsellor/priest who you hear paraphrased here many times (...are they allowed to do that, legally? Not sure if he gets a royalty share?). There were also a few laugh out loud moments in this book, thought there isn't a huge amount of comedy.

    My other complaint is that, as you might guess from their videos, the Kim and Penn Holderness are very heteronormative. If you are in a straight, gender-conforming marriage, then you will probably appreciate this book more, but I felt quite uncomfortable at times with what Kim would put up with because of ingrained sexism she doesn't seem entirely aware of, in a few different areas of this book. E.g. One chapter was about how she was upset because she was always the one to change the toilet paper roll, so they had a conversation about how everyone else needed to clean more. Great! This is classic sexism. But what was the solution? That the kids and Penn clean for one hour a week while she still does almost everything else! That is really disturbing to me.

    There was also some financially iffy stuff. As someone with experience of real poverty (unable to afford food and rent), how the chapter on finances was handled also felt a bit off, because a) they both seem to feel poorer than they are, and b) they dismissed what I would call "real" budgeting (actually counting all your purchases) right off the bat as something that people don't do or won't work, despite that that is all that will work if you don't have the financial privilege to be careless.

    So I recommend this book only if you a) like the Holderness family, and b) the intended reader is straight and gender-conforming. If that is the case, then I think you'll appreciate the real insider view of marriage fights.
    3 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

  • 鶹 Customer
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great book
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 14, 2021
    Verified Purchase
    Currently reading it but great book
  • MedinaMom
    5.0 out of 5 stars BEST Relationship Book I've Ever Read!
    Reviewed in the United States on December 21, 2021
    Verified Purchase
    Every now and then, my husband or I will pick up a book about how to improve our relationship. We've been married 20 years and while we think we do a pretty good job at being married, we can always use some good advice. Most of the time I get about 1/3 of the way through it and I am put off by the "preaching" nature or by too much statistical or negative sounding filler. THIS BOOK GIVES GREAT ADVICE FROM REAL PEOPLE. What makes it so good is that Kim and Penn are so relatable. I suffer from anxiety and a little bit of OCD in my need for things to be "in order" and I am convinced my husband has ADHD, so the stories Kim and Penn tell about their real life struggles and solutions are just that, real life. Nothing here feels fake or filled with just a bunch of boring research. They give examples of real fights, challenges and frustrations, which seem to closely mimic my own life. There are times I've laughed out loud reading something and commented to my husband, "hey, this is totally us." If you are looking for a book that is an easy, quick and enjoyable read that you actually take away some usable skills from, this is the book. In fact, I think I will buy it on audiobook just so I can hear the stories in Kim and Penn's voices.
  • Meghan Terry
    5.0 out of 5 stars Worthwhile read, whether you're married or not!
    Reviewed in the United States on March 30, 2021
    Verified Purchase
    I'm not even in a romantic relationship, and I still needed this book! Like many Holderness Family fans, I initially showed up for the silly videos, but what has kept me most engaged is their podcast. This book is such a natural extension of what they've been doing on their podcast for years- listening, learning, and trying to be better people. Kim and Penn's take on the universe is one that I can really relate to: they know that they are flawed on some areas, and view it as their responsibility to improve whenever possible. Their egos are both well in check, which is what allowed them to write a book like this.

    They candidly outline their 10 most common marital conflicts, and they are mostly universal conflicts that many people will tend to have in many different sorts of relationships. They share all of the unflattering details, as well and then review advice that they've learned from their marriage coach about how to reframe their discussions to get to the bottom of the conflicts. I use Christopher's catchphrase "Mature people ask for what they want." about ten times a week when interacting with my teenaged children. If I can send them out in the world with only one piece of relationship advice, that would be it.

    The greatest thing about this book is that both Kim and Penn's unique voices and humor come through on every page. You don't feel like you're being preached to- you just feel like you're getting great advice from a couple of close friends after drinking a few beers around a fire pit. They allow the humor to show through, even when discussing something really difficult. I laughed out loud so many times when reading this, but also had moments where I had to look up from the page and just digest some heavy truths. I am a female, but I really think that the tone of this book would be equally enjoyable for a man because of the humor. That said, don't think that this is all fluff and giggles! The techniques discussed in this book come with a dose of scientific backing, so this isn't just Kim and Penn's opinions or what worked for them- after reading it, you'll better understand the dynamics at play in your relationships, and how to adjust your behavior to have better outcomes when conflict rears its ugly head.
  • Ed Leach
    5.0 out of 5 stars Open, honest and relatable situations with helpful advice!
    Reviewed in the United States on March 30, 2021
    Verified Purchase
    Everybody Fights is an enjoyable, educational and entertaining book about better ways to “fight” when dealing with conflict in relationships.
    The topics are well written in humorous and helpful ways. Kim and Penn are open and honest about their relationship and how a marriage coach has improved their communication and understanding when they are disagreeing
    Many of the tactics are useful in any type of relationship - coworkers, family members and friends.
    It’s refreshing to read a book in which the authors are not professing to be experts. Kim and Penn share what they have learned through trial and error and with the guidance of their marriage coach. Each provides their perspective of various fights in relatable and often, funny, ways. You feel their raw emotions and are drawn in to learn what happens. The outcomes are insightful and meaningful.
    Definitely a book worth reading!!
  • STurner
    5.0 out of 5 stars If you fight with your partner, don't miss these tools!
    Reviewed in the United States on February 7, 2025
    Verified Purchase
    Kim and Penn Holderness have done an excellent job of explaining tools that minimize the pain of emotional fights between partners. Several examples they used reflected situations my husband and I have had. We look forward to trying these tools out. Thank you to Kim, Penn and Christopher!

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